I have been through a lot these past two months. I miss talking to you and this pouring of my heart on paper seems to be the best remedy. I was destroyed when he left. It’s nothing new, heartache. But for the first time, I finally saw myself as the heartless person everyone said I was.
My words were knives. I was cold and vengeful. Who was I to punish? How could I call that love when all I did was for my own satisfaction. Abuse. Selfishness. Possessiveness. Jealousy. That is not love. My distorted concept and my demons have finally caught up with me. I have never been so wrong. How does one continue living knowing almost everything they ever believed and knew about themselves was a lie?
I was shattered with this thought. Destroyed. I cried every day for three weeks. I went on my knees to pray for relief. I escaped in poison. If I had not seen my mother bury her head in my hospital bed when I tried to die 10 years ago, I would have ended everything two months ago when I was intoxicated, staring down from the lobby 20 floors high.
I am so ashamed of myself for being such a coward. Dying is the easy way out. Living, takes courage. Forgive me for disappointing you.
But don’t worry, I no longer want to be a coward, afraid of pain and life. I want to live. I want to be happy now.
I finally understand that my obsession with control is just an illusion. It does not exist. I cannot control the future. There are far too many unknown variables for me to ever be sure. Anything can happen. Both good and bad. All I can do is to give my best to increase the chances of a favorable outcome.
So I’ve let go of the reins I thought I had.
Life is so much better since then. I started saying yes to new experiences. I jumped in head first. It has been exciting. I’m making new friends. I kick the high heels off and walk barefoot. I skip when I’m happy. I say what I mean and I’m finally doing everything I said I’ve always wanted to do.
Didn’t I tell you not to worry? I hope you’re smiling now.
I am slowly rebuilding myself. Taking one step at a time, just like when we were climbing for hours in the rain to see the Himalayas.
I know dark days will come. But I promise, I will look for the light.